9/5 Ramble.

So yeah...it's that time again. That time where I sit down and think about all the things in life that suck. This will be rambling...so I apologize in advance.

I'm bringing back the "Current Weight" part of my signature. It's gotten so outta control with the whole "sitting on my ass all day at work" thing. I need motivation. I have motivation...but it's not the kind of motivation I want. I finally met a girl out here...and, despite her flaws, I dig her alot. However, she's obviously not attracted to me because I'm ridiculously overweight. I just don't need to be doing the crazy weight drop just for some shot at a girl...again. So, fuck it. I'm never going to be anyone's ideal. I accept that. I'm way too emotionally fucked up. My weight fluctuates in ridiculous ways. I'm "too nice" (whatever the fuck that means). I am who I am. It's mostly genetic...I was doomed from the get-go.

I'm such a fucking co-dependent...it sickens me sometimes. Something in me makes me feel like the only way I'll ever feel like I'm on the right track is having someone to share it all with. I had that for the time the ex and I lived together. Everything felt so right...even though, oftentimes, things weren't right. Then we started concentrating on our careers and it all fell apart. I have this messed up instinct that I should be caring for someone...and I have such a love/hate relationship with it.

I still like the job...and I'm damn good at it now. I still hate the town. I'm trying to find some kind of balance. There are nights where I get lonely and just want to go home, though. There are times I wish I traveled more than I do. Sometimes I wished I were a little more active. But, then again, there are times I wish I could just be a normal guy that didn't grow attached to any woman that is batshit insane and/or walks all over me...and we all know that's never gonna happen. I digress.

One of my favorite Dallas musicians was shot and killed the other night. Carter Albrecht from Sorta. I had only recently (within the last couple years) got into Sorta, but their music has been so calming for me on days that my soul needed to be picked up a little and I was just recently starting to hear some of Carter's other stuff. I was planning to finally see them live sometime this month (I had seen them a couple times but didn't know who they were back then)...but I guess that will never happen. Though I never knew you personally, rest in peace Carter.

I finally found my way to the big liquor store in Mesquite, NV. It was like angels were singing and a light shone down from the heavens when I walked in. Then, I got to thinking that maybe they should play some kinda of ethereal music in the background to enhance the shopping experience. When I walked up to check out, I laughed about how great the place was...and the check-out girl immediately pointed out that I "must be from St. George". How sad is that? EVERYONE knows how dry this place is.

Hanging in there...trying to anyway.

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Current Music: Sorta - Nothing Left To Say (possibly the most beautiful song I've heard in a long time)
Current Weight: An embarrassing 267