Time For Change...It's like it's 1992 all over again!!

I realized that I've been really negative lately...for like the past six months or so. I feel bad about that because I don't think the new friends I've made in the last six months really know the real Dub. The happy Dub.

I guess I've just had alot on my mind...between the revelations I've had over the past year regarding my real dad, knowing that this past summer was going to be my last one at Camp Sweeney, and knowing that I'm at a time in my life that it's "now or never" for me to do the things that I should have already done in my life...such as college. I really think that getting a new job and getting moved back to Denton and being able to be with the majority of my friends will help the process of getting back to the old me.

I know that I'm an underachiever. I know that if I did just half of what I'm capable of, I'd be much further along in my life. Hell, if I did half of what I'm capable of, I'd probably be damn close to finishing a master's degree. I know I'm a smart guy. Sometimes a little too smart for my own good since I tend overanalyze everything in my life. I know that I'm capable of so much more than what I do.

I think I just get caught up in my own self-loathing and misery because it's easier than trying to make the changes I know are necessary for me to be really happy.

I have a few job interviews this week. Kinda grunt work...Wal-Mart Distribution Center in Sanger, working for an airline at D/FW Airport, and a job working with emotionally disturbed children in Denton. Hopefully, I'll get an offer from one of these places and I'll be on my way back to where I need to be.

I know that in order to be happy, there are things I need to change about the way I live my life. I've relied a little too much on "substances" lately. I've used alcohol and nicotine as a crutch more than ever. The nicotine habit is hard to drop...anyone who has ever been a smoker knows this...but I'm trying. I need to get back to being able to be happy without having to rely on stuff like that.

I guess I'm trying to say that I know that it's time for me to make the changes. And I ask that my friends support me through this...because I'm a much cooler person when I'm not all down and out like I have been over the last 6 months or so. Because it's only fair that people like Jeffe and Maureen get to see the real me. The me that is fun, carefree, more confident. The me that cares about himself almost as much as he cares about his friends.

Really, the main way for me to get to where I'm even better than before is to lose a little weight. OK, ALOT of weight. I'm a big guy, I know. And I know that it keeps me from being confident in myself...and, no matter how wrong it may be, it's what keeps me from having the relationships that I wish I had. It's just how the world works...you can have a heart of gold, but none of that really matters to a girl when you're a fat guy. Right or wrong, that's just how it is.

I've done the weight loss thing before...and I remember how much more confident and happy I was. Because, not only was I actually dating for the first time in my life, but I was exercising everyday and the endorphins from that helped alot. I didn't drink as much...I didn't smoke or dip at all...and I was so much more productive. I slept better...and fewer hours. I did what I was capable of...

I've bitched and whined so much in this blog about things I don't like since I started it...that it's time for me to make a list of things I do like. This may be long...but I need to remember the things that I have going for me.

1.) I like driving.
2.) I like orange juice (with Captain Morgan's on occasion)
3.) I like good music that makes me think...no matter how sad it may be.
4.) I like crashing out on Cody, Justin, and Koos' couch.
5.) I like knowing that when Mom used to tell me I could do anything I put my mind to, it wasn't just motherly bullshit...it was/is the truth.
6.) I like good BBQ, good burgers, all cooked outside on a grill.
7.) I like going to concerts, games, the like and forgetting about everything for a few hours.
8.) I like long showers.
9.) I like getting BSW catalogs and sticking my nose in them for hours.
10.) I like talking with friends on AIM...especially when I know it's the only way I could really keep in touch with some of them.
11.) I like the Boston Red Sox, the Texas Rangers, the Dallas Cowboys, the Dallas Stars, and of course, all of the North Texas Mean Green teams.
12.) I like good, sweet, acoustic love songs and dreaming that someday I can sing them to someone.
13.) I like Texas.
14.) I like Bob Schneider...but I think he's best with Bruce Hughes and Billy Harvey.
15.) I like getting real emails from real people.
16.) I like springtime weather...it's perfect for going to baseball and softball games.
17.) I like Camp Sweeney.
18.) I like chicken strips, yes I do.
19.) I like sitting with Maureen and talking about nothingness the whole time...just enjoying her company and her sweet smile.
20.) I like U2.
21.) I like the Whataburger on Ft. Worth Dr. at 4am
22.) I like playing my guitar...no matter how much I suck at it.
23.) I like knowing that I'm the (somewhat)wise old man in my group of friends.
24.) I like helping people.
25.) I like roadtrips.
26.) I like Chicago.
27.) I like not having to pay in on my taxes.
28.) I like having all-access media passes.
29.) I like being a small town boy at heart.
30.) I like lazy days.
31.) I like getting things done and feeling like accomplished something.
32.) I like doing production work where I get to be a little creative.
33.) I like planning these huge events and making sure everyone has a good time.
34.) I like meeting cool new people.
35.) I like knowing that, when I feel like I need a cigarette, Margee always comes through. :)
36.) I like Johnny Cash.
37.) I like my Nanny and Papa...my mom's parents.
38.) I like the political conversations I have with my Nanny.
39.) I like tipping a cute waitress.
40.) I like Notre Dame and all my friends up there.
41.) I like knowing I've made a difference in a few people's lives.
42.) I like knowing I'm right about most things...hahaha!
43.) I like being a sort of "Americana-Country Music Snob".
44.) I like it when I'm working at KGAF and old people call me to tell me how much they love the playlist I've picked for that afternoon.
45.) I like Jack Ingram and the Beat Up Ford Band.
46.) I like getting text messages.
47.) I like pushing buttons, breaking things, and trying to figure out how to un-break it before someone finds out.
48.) I like being a little stressed about a deadline.
49.) I like cool toys like microphones, computers, portable recorders, mixers, etc.
50.) I like our post-game get-togethers during basketball season.
51.) I like reading the Sunday Gainesville Daily Register since it's better than any gossip rag.
52.) I like my chihuahua, Sophie.
53.) I like getting things in the mail that don't involve me having to write a check.
54.) I like going to the bar with Barnett and just kinda riding his coattails for the night.
55.) I like Bowling For Soup...they perk me up.
56.) I like The Simpsons.
57.) I like flying in small airplanes.
58.) I like flying, airplanes, airports, and all of that in general.
59.) I like Apple computers and OS X.
60.) I like playing Hold'em with friends...and Omaha Hi/Lo online.
And finally...at least for now.
61.) I like having friends that have my back no matter the situation, friends that are like family, and friends that don't bail on me when I go overboard insane about something stupid.

I feel pretty good about things now. Now, I just have to stick with it. So stick with me. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

"I want to be like Jesus Christ,
Keep the party moving giving good advice.
I dont need to be no Superman,
I just want to do the best I can.

I just want to feel good,
I dont want to hurt nobody,
I just want to get a good time,
Out of my life."

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Current Music: Bob Schneider - Captain Kirk (iTunes Links)
Current Weight: 253

Dub and Mo...

I heart my darlin', my bestest friend in the world... she puts up with so much from me...and I don't think I'll ever know why.

Weirdest. Dream. Ever.

Had a weird ass dream last night.

In it...I was living in a stereotypical-college-guy apartment...ya know...pizza boxes, beer cans, guitars, and beer signs & bikini girls on the walls. Only thing was... my two roommates were former presidents Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan.

Can someone please explain that to me?

You will never read anything more true.

So I was cruising CollegeHumor.com and I stumbled across this gem. It's everything I've ever wanted to say, but never had the balls to.

Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Hey Napoleon, gimme some of your tots...

I've never been so bored in all of my life. I've had absolutely nothing to do all day. Been alone all day, too. I guess you could say I accomplished some things...but nothing important.

I ripped some CD's into iTunes. I also managed to accidentally delete all of the album art that I had uploaded over the last couple of weeks. Way to go, me!

Speaking of iTunes, I made a couple of mix playlists today...and one turned out really good...until I realized how sad it was. There it was, proof that I'm even more of a hopeless romantic that I thought I was. It started out as just a good mix of songs I really like. It turned into the world's sappiest makeout CD. I mean...it's good, but it was completely unintentional. I think that's just some subconcious screaming from my soul there. :( Here's what was on it.

U2 - In A Little While
Eli & Young Band - We Could Be Forever
Ben Folds - The Luckiest
FM Static - Hey Now (Secret Song)
Jack Ingram - Run To Me
Fuel - Shimmer
Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals - Waiting On An Angel
Ben Folds Five - Magic
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
Max Stalling - Simple Girl
The Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
Bob Schneider - The World Exploded Into Love
Old 97's - Question
Pat Green - Take Me Out To A Dancehall
The Postal Service - Nothing Better
Bob Schneider - Love Is Everywhere
Ryan Adams - When The Stars Go Blue
U2 - With or Without You
Jack Ingram - Goodnight Moon

Anywhos, I read a couple chapters in the book that I forgot I had bought a while back. This Business of Music Marketing & Promotion. Can I be anymore of a chotch? Maybe it'll serve me well someday.

Speaking of marketing music and whatnot...went and saw my old high school buddy, Ben Smith, play last night in Muenster. He's pretty good...hopefully I can help him get some gigs and whatnot.

Well, I guess that's it. I'm gonna throw my boots on and go for a beer run. A little Guinness might help me through.

That's gonna do it for me...stay classy, San Diego.

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Current Music: U2 - In A Little While (iTunes Links)

The Greatest Song...EVER.

Statistician's Blues by Todd Snider

They say 3 percent of the people use 5 to 6 percent of their brains,
97 percent use 3 percent and the rest goes down the drain.
Now, I don't know which one I am, but I'll bet you my last dime
99 percent think we're 3 percent 100 percent of the time.

They say 65 percent of the world's statistics are made up right there on the spot,
82.4 percent of the people believe them whether they are accurate statistics or not.
Now I don't know what you believe but I do know there's no doubt,
I need another shot of something 90 proof I got too much to think about.

Too much to think about,
Too much to figure out,
Stuck between hope and doubt,
It's too much to think about.

They say 74 percent of everything you learned in school was just bullshit you'll never need,
83.4 percent of everything you got you bought to satisfy your greed.
Because 91 percent of the world's population links possessions to success,
Even though 88 percent of the wealthiest one percent of the population drinks to an alarming excess.
More money, more stress.

Too much to think about,
Too much to figure out,
Stuck between hope and doubt,
It's too much to think about.

They say 84 percent of all statisticians truly hate their fuckin' jobs,
The average bank robber lives within 20 miles of the bank that he robs.
There's a little bank not far from here I've been watching now for a while,
Lately all I can think about is how bad I want to go out in style.

Too much to think about,
Too much to figure out,
Stuck between hope and doubt,
It's too much to think about.
Hey, hey,
It's too much to think about.
Amen,
It's too much to think about.

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Current Music: Todd Snider - Statistician's Blues (iTunes Links)

Another New Year...

Well...Happy New Year. I guess.

I dunno what's wrong with me. I'm not really sad, down, or upset about anything...but I just can't seem to get happy. I'm officially in a funk. I'm sure there are about a million reasons for me to be in a funk...but I think I know the main one. I'm just lonely again.

Camp went pretty well. I had to work both camp and KGAF (just a little on the side) and it wasn't all that fun doing that. I averaged about 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night all week....with a 30 minute nap in the afternoon.

Camp was fun. I did alot of reflecting this week, though. I really think this was probably my last time working an actual camp at Camp Sweeney...and that may be a part of my funk. There's just something about that place.

I started in August of 2001, thinking I was just working a radio gig. Then came Winter Session 2001 and I found out that I was actually going to have to work with kids. At this point in my life, I HATED kids. HATED them. I remember my first conversation with Jill Woodard, one of our old associate program directors. It was the night before Winter Session '01 and she asked if I was "excited about working with the kids". I was like, "WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE TO WORK WITH KIDS?"

Ever since then, I've loved working with kids. Hell, if radio didn't work out for me, I wouldn't mind being a teacher somewhere...maybe 7th grade Texas History. That would be the life.

Anyway, all I've known for 3 summers and 4 winters is Camp. I love that place. It's a rough gig sometimes...with the lack of sleep and all...but it's possibly the most gratifying gig I've ever had. I've had some of the best times of my life and met some of my favorite people in the world on those grounds.

If I do wind up not coming back for another session, I will at least know I changed a couple of lives and had a part in shaping the way the place runs...and that's cool to me.

Anyway...we had a great time at camp this past week. It was great to see the kids and the Sweeney crew again. Maureen came out on opening night. Poor girl was probably bored outta her mind...that is until I nearly killed her on a Mule. Sorry, darlin'.

New Year's Eve was fun...except the whole having a headache most of the night...and the barely drinking anything I shelled out money for. Oh well.

Took Fox and the Murph brothers to the airport at 6am the next morning...came back and slept for a while...then took Don, Laurie, and Melissa. We dropped Don off and went for a bite to eat at Steak 'n' Shake. While we were there...Melissa used my phone to call Claude. Turns out, he was working at the Starbucks only 3 blocks away. So, we got to see Claude for a bit before I dropped Laurie and Melissa off. He's a good guy...maybe not the best camp counselor ever...but a good guy.

Got Laurie dropped off with no problems...then we got Melissa rebooked on a different flight since her flight to ATL was apparently canceled. That went off without a hitch...and I was off to the A-P-T-Dot. Took a little nap...then took Cody to Mansfield to get his keys from Kari's mom's house. Stopped off at Panda Express for dinner...mmmm.

Got home around 2am last night...and here I am...about 13 hrs later. Just chilling out here at the house for the day...not really in the mood for anything.

I've done pretty well with my one resolution. I had a sandwich for lunch and been drinking nothing but water. 21 more days of this and it'll be a habit. Then I'm on my way to shedding the pounds. So if you see me...keep on my ass about it. I need to lose the weight...badly.


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Current Music: Todd Snider - You Think You Know Somebody
Current Weight: Sitting at a fatass 257

2004: The Best and Worst....

The Best Shizz of the Year...

Party: The ones I barely remember
Show: 24, The Sopranos
New Show: Arrested Development
Reality Show: Who cares?
TV moment: Watching Janet Jackson's boob flop out and KNOWING all hell was about to break loose.
CD: U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, Bob Schneider - I'm Good Now
Song: Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel, U2 - Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
Movie: Farenheit 9/11, Napoleon Dynamite
Video Game: I started Flight Simming again...but i dunno if that counts...
Experience: Hanging out on Bob Schneider's tour bus for no real reason.
Concert: Bob @ Trees...both times.
Book: I read many, but only finished 2...both were just 'OK'. Tom Clancy's "Teeth of the Tiger" and "FM : The Rise and Fall of Rock Radio" by Richard Neer
Month: July...always.
Day: Eh, I can't think of one in particular.

The Worst Crap of the Year...

Party: Can't think of a bad one.
Show: Just about anything in the "Reality" genre.
New show: That show about Sigfreid and Roy's lions. Who greenlighted THAT?
Reality Show: The Apprentice...who watches this shit?
TV moment: Watching Janet Jackson's boob flop out and seeing that nasty thing.
CD: Pat Green - Lucky Ones (so disappointing), that evil Big & Rich CD
Song: "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy" by Big & Rich *Shudders at the thought*
Movie: Anything With Vin Diesel in it
Experience: Sammy's mom's funeral
Concert: Anywhere Pat Green played
Book: "Unfit for Command: Swift Boat Veterans Speak Out Against John Kerry" by John E. O'Neill and Jerome R. Corsi
Month: January and February kinda sucked
Day: The day I learned that Sammy's Mom passed and the day Andrew Smith died.

Hopes for 2005...

predict something that you think will happen in 2005?: another big terrorist attack
what do you hope changes about your country?: Bush is impeached and removed
what do you hope for yourself?: That I lose weight, find myself a sweet girl, and a good gig in a decent sized radio market.
what do you hope for your family?: That we can all just get along.

During 2004...

where were you when it began?: Jack's Pub in Dallas
did you stay up?: Of course..,'til I passed out on the hotel floor.
what was your new year wish?: Don't remember...probably my same one every year...that I don't spend the year single and lonely.
how many boy/girlfriends?: A Big Fat Zero
broke up?: N/A
have any crushes?: Of course...
care to mention names?: They know...
new friends?: Many through camp and North Texas...
had to say goodbye?: To a few...
missed anyone?: Yeah, a couple of people.
win anything?: I never win ANYTHING.
best place you went to?: Notre Dame
worst place you went to?: Halletsville, TX
happiest moment?: I had a few good moments this year...too many to list.
how was your birthday?: Spent it at camp...22 isn't as fun as 21.

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Current Music: William Shatner - Common People
Current Weight: 257 (STILL)