Tales from Airside...

So I owe you guys a couple of fun stories...mainly because I just checked The Jumpseat Diaries and remembered I owe Noorster the one about me telling one of our F/A's to "fuck off". So...ummm...here goes.

The Bitchy F/A

So, as I stated in my last post, we've been hardcore shortstaffed and really busy. We had a bird roll in just after we had unloaded another plane. After we got it chocked in the gate, the other 2 rampers went to load up the other plane as quickly as possible while I stayed to unload the new flight.

We had about 3 gate checked stollers (carriages, prams, whatever the hell you want to call them)...just enough that I'd have to make 2 trips up to the jetbridge to take them to the pax. Instead of wearing myself out, I decided to do something we've done a million times before...reach up and hand them to the person catering the aircraft. The caterer is already on the aircraft, so they can take them across to the passenger door. We don't do that often, but if we're pressed for time or short of people, it's not uncommon and, as far as I know, there's no company policy against it.

After the caterer ran the first 2 strollers across, I tossed the third onto the catering catwalk...where there was an F/A standing there staring at me. She immediately starts screaming at me. No "can you please not do that", no "it would be better if you didn't do that"...no niceness whatsoever. To make matters worse, I remember this F/A from my catering days. I remember her for being a total bitch that made a scene when I told her we were out of a certain item (a central supply problem)....when she had MORE than enough in the galley.

She stood there on the catwalk, screaming "YOU CAN'T DO THAT...YOU MUST BRING THEM UPSTAIRS YOURSELF!" I replied, "Darlin', I'm down here by my bloody lonesome down here, I'm exhausted, and I'm trying to knock this out as quickly as I can..."

Her reply? "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT...THAT'S YOUR JOB AND YOUR PROBLEM. If you're shortstaffed, take it up with your station director, not me. You knew what you were getting into when you signed up for your shitty little job."

Ooooooooo.....I was out for blood now. I want to preface my reply to her by saying that I know F/A's work hard. I know that it's alot more than being a waitress in the sky. I know there's tons of lifesaving training that goes into your job. I love most F/A's I've met. But, I was already having a bad day and this one just set me off...

"Listen here, missy. My 'shitty little job' is to ensure your happy little ass gets the hell outta Dallas as quickly as I can safely get you out. Shouldn't you be serving up some sodas or sitting your fat ass on the jumpseat reading the latest on Brad Pitt? Because, Lord knows, you haven't done half the work I've done today. In fact, you probably haven't done half the work I've done today in weeks of pushing your little beverage cart up and down the aisle. Damn, I bet that's fucking hard. So ya know what, I'm gonna help your lazy fat ass maybe lose a couple of calories. (at this point I pulled the stroller off the catwalk and put it on the ground) Come down and get it, bitch! And FUCK OFF the next time you decide to rip on people whole actually fucking work for a living!"

So maybe, just maybe, I was a little harsh. But, I was exhausted, covered in sweat and jet A burnoff, and in no mood to put up with this woman. I apologize if I've offended anyone...but she deserved it. Here's another fun story of what we get to deal with UPstairs.

There's No Place Like Home (Especially When You're A Drunkard)

On our last outbound flight of the night, the ramp turned the flight in under 15 minutes, so I decided to run upstairs and see if there was any way I could help the gate agent get the flight boarded.

When I got upstairs, I saw a supervisor, another lead, and the gate agent about to go onto the aircraft and pull a passenger off in order to evaluate if he was too drunk to fly. The conversation between the supervisor and the pax was hilarious...and I bring it to you. For better effect, read the "Drunk Pax" lines in your best Cheech and Chong whiney-stoner voice...this coming from a businessman in his late 40's.

Supervisor: Sir, are you aware of why we've asked you to step off the aircraft?
Drunk Pax: Yeah, man...you probably think I'm drunk. Well, I kinda am.
Supervisor: Yes sir, we noticed you stumbling down to the aircraft and the flight crew has asked us to evaluate your whether or not to let you fly.
Drunk Pax: Man, I've just been at my nephew's wedding and I just wanna go home, man. Yeah, I've been partying all day...so I'm a little drunk. But I just wanna go home, man. You guys are good guys, man.
Supervisor: Well, thank you, sir.
Gate Agent: Sir, the lady that you boarded the plane with. Are you two traveling together?
Drunk Pax: What? No. No! I just met her in the bar. I'm MARRIED, man! (shows ring)
Gate Agent: I see, I guess I was just thrown off by the fact you were kissing that lady a moment ago.
Drunk Pax: Please don't tell my wife, guys. She's already mad at me, man.
Supervisor: I can understand that. Sir, I think we're going to ask you to come upstairs with us and we'll rebook you for tomorrow.
Drunk Pax: Please, no....please...I just wanna go home. You guys are good guys! Trust me, I'll be a good boy. I just wanna go home...to my wife. There's no place like home! If I could, I'd just click my heels and I'd be home. But, please, I promise, I'll be good. Can I please ask the Captain? Plllleeeeease?

At this point, I was about to bust out laughing at the Wizard of Oz reference and had to leave the situation. The captain allowed him to fly...the F/A's came back through DFW the next day and said the man was a perfect angel...but his little girlfriend on the side puked at least 8 times inflight. Maybe we should have pulled her.

And this is what we deal with everyday.